Sometimes to figure out what we want to say yes to, we have to first learn to say no.
We can all look back on our lives and remember times when we wish we would’ve made different choices. When perhaps we should have said no, instead of yes, or yes instead of no.
After a chain of events that happened because of one spectacularly bad choice when I said yes when I should have said no (in my defense, at the time I thought I was making the right choice), I found myself sitting on a hill overlooking a beautiful view of the ocean, thinking about where I had gone wrong.
The view, and the time to contemplate, was a gift to me from a friend who knew I needed a safe place to think and regroup. On the top of that hill, I had no idea where my life was going to go, or what I would be able to do to fix what had happened. But I did know that there were things I did not want anymore. So even though I didn’t know what I would say yes to, I did know what I would say no to.
I still have the no-list I made that day, lifetimes later. And for the most part, I have stuck to that list of things I didn’t want to say yes to again. And that has made all the difference.
Being able to make conscious choices makes no-lists invaluable. If you look terrible in burnt orange no matter how cute the sweater is, you know not to buy it.
However, there are downsides to a no-list.
It might be outdated.
What you said no to could no longer be relevant. Or what you said no to was a mistake. It didn’t cause the problem. Something else did. Maybe someone told you that you look terrible in burnt orange, but further research revealed that it is your best color. The information was faulty.
Therefore all no-lists need to be consistently reviewed in light of current situations and increased understanding.
Because being willing to say yes is essential. Actually, it’s critical to our growth as a person.
We live in a time when information and the world are changing at a pace never seen before.
Perhaps we can’t keep up with everything, but we do need to not fall behind.
And in today’s world not falling behind requires an open mind, and a constant willingness to learn, do, see, understand, and be something new. To keep moving.
We have to be like a snake, crab, locust, or even a caterpillar. We have to be willing to give up what once housed us comfortably and let go.
As members of the 21st century, we have to embrace the new, while staying connected with the values, friends, and loves that make life meaningful.
It’s a tricky path to walk, I know.
Before we owned smartphones, Del and I resisted getting one. I had reasons. My regular phone worked fine. Why did I need to get that other kind, and pay more? But our children and grandchildren were communicating by texting or through apps like Snapchat and Instagram. We didn’t want to be left out of their world because we were dragging our feet, staying in what we knew.
We didn’t want to become old in our mindset.
Now, we are one of the first to try new things. We want to expand our minds, not shut them down.
Keep those mental doors open to what is available. Filter what doesn’t serve you, but that’s different than saying no.
Review your no-list. Perhaps some of those things are no longer valid. The world has changed. You have changed. Be willing to say yes to an open, expansive, and transformational life.
Here is one important thing to remember.
Saying yes to something and knowing how to do it are two different things. Don’t put them together.
Say yes first. Then say yes to learning how—one step at a time.
Ask for help. Explore. Participate in life.
Saying yes involves knowing who you are and what you want, so we’ll talk about that next time.
But in the meantime, why not make two lists: a no-list and a say-yes-list. See how that feels.
BECA LEWIS coaches, teaches, writes blogs and books, plays with art, and is addicted to reading. She lives in Ohio with her husband and has kids and grandkids scattered across the country.
